It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
