I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
