I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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