Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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