Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
