The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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