If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
