He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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