I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
