i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
