He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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