my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I could make wine with my vomit
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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