I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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