If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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