I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
