I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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