Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
