Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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