I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
