If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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