He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
