Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
