Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
