dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
