there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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