my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
