you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think your dad took our porno
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
