Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
