I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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