I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can't turn off my feet"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
