hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
