btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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