Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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