I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
