You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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