im about as happy as oj after his trial
I cut my penus on the lid.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
