what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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