No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you would pick up someone in the library
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
