And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
