That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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