the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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