I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
