I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
