I'm going to jail i love you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
