someone threw a dead crab at me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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