I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
