Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
