I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
