I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
