I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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