My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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