I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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