I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
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i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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