Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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