I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
