Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
